chromological opacity

by ξ

from my deep blue grave it has to go further if it stays like this it’ll never be enough if it stays like this a friend, a friend is all i need but you’ll have to be more more and more and more and more and more everything, everything in my head in my mind in my bed i’ll need you more and more and more and more and more so stop now so kill me now so throw me out of your life forget about me forget about everything or you’ll have to be more and more and more and more and more more and more and more and more and more leave me alone i can never get enough you, you, you you’ll have to be everything more and more in my head in my mind more and more i want you now more and more and more and more and more so stop now leave me now kill me now forget me now now, now more and more and more and more and more in my life in my head in my mind i’ll never get enough i’ll never get enough i’ll never get more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more ....
in no sense 05:40
in no sense there’s no reason at all there’s no sense in this why half of me should leave why the best part should go away there’s no principle available there’s no knowledge at hand to explain that it’s over to tell that it should pass away there’s no hope for reunion there’s no dream of holism to work in reality to act when you’re gone there’s no sin to take blame there’s no failure to accuse for this pointless fate for this odd behaviour there’s nothing here on earth there’s nobody here to make it right to make it good so it has to be the will of God
bother about 09:35
bother about everybody hates me now and there’s nothing to do i’ve done all those things wrong no wonder why they hate me now but then kill me now just through me out of here no·one would ever notice i was gone just forget me now you should also forget me now i’m not here to drag you down drag you down with me you should forget me now don’t care about don’t bother about me don’t feel down because of me i’m not supposed to be here anyway
opacity 06:16
with her 05:49
evaluated dreams so, this is an end evaluate or nothing this is a turning page take note or forget this is a dream ending this is a heart mending this is a hope this is a prayer this is here this is everywhere this is a hand faking this is a head breaking so, this is an end to me evaluate the dreams or get nothing this is a start of an end this is the beginning of a friend this is a fight learn or repeat this is a long night of defeat this is no victory but maybe this is a victory of this
sea of blue 05:53
sea of blue this pain i can’t submit i won’t admit my heart’s too weak irrationality’s inappropriate this devotion’s dangerous this restraint’s ridiculous but i’m not sure i deceive myself i believe myself my reason’s too strong pensiveness’s profitable this reticence’s rewarding this preservation’s palpable but my soul is crushed my heart is burned and my hands clutched in dream and vision but i dare not let go
out of the grey help there’s a man at my door this giant, this monster trying to force me to open my door and my hands are getting sweaty and my arms are getting weak and my legs are going tired as i’m falling down the peak and i don’t know who to turn to and i don’t know who are there but i don’t dare to find you though you could be almost anywhere and the monster keeps on pushing and i’m scared to let him in knowing what he can do to me knowing what’ll happen if he wins he’ll take me to a desert grey savannah with no·one in sight leaving me with bread and water leaving me to fight against no·one against everything leaving me to fight the devil leaving me to fight myself so if only i can keep him away so if only i can stay happy if only i stay sane if only i can stay happy please, somebody save me
break my heart useless waste of time empty empty deep down black and blue far away never stay empty world empty mind empty empty dark and grey goes far away blue and black always black always black hopeless waste of time waste of space waste of air waste waste nothing gained always lost grey clouds grey clouds nothing forward nothing now always behind always behind blue and gone grey as sun never red always black always black endless never·ending space and time flowing by flowing by passing to be left away alone alone never to be seen again never again never again black as fire black as roses black as black as black as black cloud filled sky passing by ending in ending in dark and blue grey and two tears tears far away alone alone far astray alone alone gone and away gone and stay black and blue and dark and grey empty empty and away


released June 30, 1996

composed, performed, programmed, produced, engineered, mixed and designed by lukas·ex
silentbeing 1996, remastered 2018


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